Little One

Tiny hands and feet, a body formed,
hemmed in and hovered over
in the secret place.

Planned by God to live in all eternity.

The desire of my heart —
even before you came to be —
a desire borne in the depth of the heart,
on the steps of my soul,
where only He knows and goes —
was to hold you,
care for you,
love you.

I could never understand
why those deep feelings were there from so early on
or explain the depths of them.

I just know that they were there
and one day,
they would become a reality,
a normal process of life.

Even so,
what is there to understand?

I believe, You, God,
placed them there.

It was a very long wait.
I had given up
and stopped believing that I was worthy
and that such wonders were reserved for me —
despite the knowing in my heart
and the longing in my soul.

Suddenly and without warning,
I received the wonderful news —
you exist,
you were finally here.

O the Joy!

Life was otherwise challenging,
but now I had you —
very tiny and special one
in the cradle of life,
to grow,
develop
and be born into this world.

Before there was birth,
there was death
and I lost you very early.

No heartbeat.

A life created by God,
swept away,
gone.

O the Sadness!

You were here
and then you were not.

Not yet born
and already gone.

Though I did not see you,
hear you
or get to know you,
I love you.

There were no pictures —
not one.

Do you have my eyes
and thick curly hair,
do you look like me?

It is safe to say —
made in His image —
you look like Him.

I did not get a chance
to hold you,
feed you,
take care of you,
but still
I love you.

I think you are a little girl —
only because it is the only name I had chosen.

I had named you
and laid you
in the arms of the Heavenly Father.

I know He welcomed you into heaven.

Jesus held you in His arms
and rocked you,
sang lullabies to you.

Even decades later,
I still think of you
and wonder what it would have been like
to hold you,
care for you
and love you here on earth.

Though I have never seen you,
smelled you,
held you —
I know that He has.

Jesus held you
as He carried you
from here to there;

a place where there is no death,
no tears
and no sorrow.

A place where there is no need for sun,
because He Himself is the Light.

Parents and grandparents now live there with you.
They have seen you
and gotten to know you
before I have.

My only prayer now:

Lord,
when I stand before You on that day —
if possible —
may I hold her,
cradle her
and love her?

Until that day,
I know she is held in Your arms
and wrapped in Your tender care.